Allyson, 27 year-old American girl living in Rotterdam, had her first orgasm on a back massager

Ian: Let’s hit the road with our “typical” first question: What music should I play to make you want to sleep with me?

Allyson: Adriano Celentano or Tom Waits. So are you gonna play Tom Waits and Celentano while we chat? For mood?

I love Tom Waits, so yes! Why did you accept this interview?

Because you said I could do it anonymously and because you said it was about sex.

Can you introduce yourself in a few sentences? Just make it anonymous (laughs).

How do you mean? Name, age? Location?

No, more like what you like, what your philosophy is, etc.

I guess I have not really reached the point in my life where I can sum up my general philosophy on life. At this point, I’m moving from city to city and trying to figure out how exactly to do things I enjoy, while at the same time feeling productive and becoming educated. So I’m currently getting a masters in Holland.

We saw your photography work, and we liked it a lot. In particular your “cattle and woman” series. What kind of cows is this?

Brahman. They are the cows usually used in Indian “holy cow” art so I found the GM breed in Texas.

Your photographs are astonishing.

Thanks. The cows are actually astonishing.

Does sex play an important role in your artwork?

I don’t aim for it but recently, I’ve accepted that the images I prefer are the ones that are the most erotic.

Let’s talk about sex now. My first orgasm, as far as I can remember, was while climbing a rope – I was probably 7 or 8 and I didn’t know what was happening to me. Do you remember yours?

(Laughs) Yes. My cousin and my brother were playing with a back massager and loved it, and my cousin told me to sit on it and I did. I was 6. I’ve since told her she is a bad older cousin (laughs). Took me awhile to figure out what was happening.

I know what you mean! Who/what did your sex education?

My mom took me to Disney World when I was 11 or something to explain it all to me, but that same cousin had told it to me when I was 7 or 8. Right after my cousin told me, I asked her brother if he planned to put his wiener in someone, and she pushed me down the stairs for the question. It was only like 4 steps though, and we were on the stairs when I asked.

What about school? Did you learn something there?

No, I went to school for the learning disabled. They were busy trying to teach us to read.

Do you think it would have been different otherwise? I mean, in another school.

I don’t know. I knew about STDS, so I don’t know if there would have been any academically spun information that would have influenced my sexual thoughts.

Where was it? In the USA?

Yes.

How did you tackle your first sexual experiences? Curious and excited, or scared and shy?

My first boyfriend was kind of an asshole, so he put a lot of pressure on me, but by the time we actually had sex, I was very into it.

How old were you?

I was 13. He was 16 with stupid blonde dreads, and his last girlfriend / only other sexual partner was a fat drug addict. I was a nice catholic school girl with heathen parents.

How do you feel about this first experience now?

I’m fine with it. I know he was lame but he let me be sexual and I needed that. And at the time, I thought I had feelings for him.

Are you still a nice catholic girl?

I’m not catholic but I was in catholic school at the time. And I was sober, so that made me nicer than the other girls in my mind. I’m not sober now.

Here is my favorite question: do you know how to pee standing up?

Anyone can pee standing up. Can I do it without peeing on the floor, or my feet? No.

Good practical answer (laughs). How would you describe an orgasm to someone who never had one?

It’s like when you’re getting excited and your voice gets higher and higher in pitch, but it’s in your middle body and it’s more exciting… and exhaling is disappointing.

Do you come easily?

I used to if I was on top, but now it’s only with myself or with this one guy. So no.

Which “one guy”?

Ex. Heartbreak 2013. Slah ever.

So you can only count on yourself now… When you masturbate, do you prefer imagining fictional scenarios, or do you rather think of real things that you actually saw or lived?

As an attempt to not think of him, I make pretend scenarios with people I make up, but that look a lot like him.

Do you use sex-toys?

No. I don’t like vibrators. I use my own muscle spasms.

I know heterosexual girls who think about other girls when they masturbate. What about you?

I think about girls in combo with men. But always in a seduction scenario. Like a few girls sexually destroying some man.

Physically destroying?

Sexually, not physically

Hmm… I’m not sure I get it.

Overcoming may be a better word.

Did you have any experience with girls?

Not really. The first night I slept with the rockstar I groupied for a bit, a few girls followed us back to the hotel. It ended up pretty much me with him, and the two girls on each other. Otherwise, my old roommate and I made out a few times while drunk. But we were very drunk.

Is there an experience, something you did once, that’s way above the other ones?

I’ve had a few pretty eccentric sexual encounters. Hmm… In Brussels, I hooked up with guys in a bar three nights in a row and with a different guy each time. And my friend’s mom read her story about our trip there, and banned her from seeing me. But maybe that’s just my sluttiest weekend (laughs)? Hard to call one out among them. Oh, I threw up on my ex once. He thought it might be hot and it wasn’t. We laughed.

I was about to ask about your most extreme experience, but maybe that’s it!

No, it isn’t.

So what is it?

I had a few weeks where I’d get insane migraines (I don’t get migraines before or since) as soon as I would be about to cum, so I had to stop, as not to cum, so the migraine would not come on. But it didn’t really work. It was insane. I thought I was dying. Maybe I am.

Bad experience, I guess! And what’s the most adorable thing someone has ever done to you?

My ex and I were engaged, and long distance, and he went back home one day when I was at work, and when I got home I had a scavenger hunt to a new gold ring that didn’t turn my hand green, a poem, a snack, and a joint, and then a video of him setting it all up and leaving my apartment.

Nice! Violet has a thing for sex on the beach. Do you?

Never done it I guess. Can’t think of a time….

What are the three most memorable places where you had sex?

A bathroom in Brussels, a fancy hotel, and in my ex’s house.

How does a typical sex session with you look like?

Some penis and vagina. I don’t know.

Do you watch porn sometimes?

I try but I never find anything I like. Gifs on Tumblr are the closest thing to hot I can find.

So you don’t have any favorite keyword or tag?

No. It’s hard to find something not gross so I really don’t look too much.

On the literature side, mommy porn is booming – with Fifty Shades of Grey as a leader. Corny or revolutionary?

Never read it. I’ve read lots of the erotic American short fiction series.

What difference do you make between eroticism and pornography?

I’m not sure there is one until someone gets upset.

What do you mean?

It seems the only people who care if its porn or eroticism or art are the people who don’t want it to be porn. My photos are porn, but they can be art if someone wants.

Hmm. I kind of agree with you. Is vulgarity arousing?

No, I think of vulgarity as crassness.

Do you like being tied up?

No. Tried, they always tie shitty knots. I tie them up better, but I don’t like them to be restrained.

So you need to teach them…

No, if they suck at knots, and I have to teach them, it defeats the purpose.

Can you give us the list of the body fluids you tasted already? Yours as well as others’…

I’ve licked chocolate out of my ex’s butt because he insisted on doing it to me. It was fun, and funny, but not sexual. And obviously semen. And vagina.

What about anal sex?

I tried at 14, but I did not want to. It was the jerk boyfriend. I tried again with the ex but it was just impossible. I have a small ass hole, and his dick is huge.

Bad combination.

I told him one day, he could spend years trying and one day it would work.

Did he keep trying, then?

He dumped me not too long after that. With long distance, you won’t waste time trying.

One last question: In 40 years, we’ll most likely be able to have hyper-realistic virtual sex with our favorite porn-stars. What will you say to your grand-children when they ask you: “How was sex in 2014, grand-ma?”

I would probably tell them it was better than they could ever know, if that is really what they will be up against. I hope that does not ever replace physical contact. Would help with population control though.